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Getting Beyond Destructive Rage

In Temper Temper I explored the borderline between harnessing anger and becoming its victim. Let’s take a look at what’s behind the rage.

EXPECTING

Get frustrated often? Chances are expectations are behind it.

I put expectations into two categories: surface and background.

Surface expectations are the obvious triggers for anger and frustration. “Traffic shouldn’t be so slow.” “I should have gotten that promotion.” “Why can’t I ever win?” “How could I make that mistake?“

Learning to flow through surface frustrations is a HUGE step in mental game. Those who can let go and return to the moment are more likely to perform well and enjoy the experience.

Some coaches say letting off steam is okay in these moments. A loud clap. Vocalization. Just do something to go from a yellow zone back to green.

I can see that as a tool but more of a band aid. The greater tool is developing a practice of not needing demonstrations of anger.

DON’T GET ADDICTED

It’s important to learn to handle frustration early. Frustration has a tendency to become addictive. And misleading. It still feels like the anger has a connection to the surface expectation, but the reaction has actually become automatic and even exaggerated.

This is the opposite of the habit we want to develop. We want immunity from these triggers. The more well-formed the habit, the more practice it may take to overcome.

EXTERNAL EXPECTATIONS

As I wrote in Temper Temper, we can also be influenced by what we think others expect. This happens in sports a lot.

A player loses a point and freaks out, not because of what just happened but because that’s what he thinks he is supposed to do. If he doesn’t show his anger, the fans might think he doesn’t care enough.

He has unwittingly been lured into performing for them instead of himself.

The fans might actually think he doesn’t care, but they don’t matter. When it comes to performance, all that matters is you and your opponent, and your opponent can be inspired when you show chinks in your armor.

Instead, keep them guessing. Use your resistance to frustration as a weapon. Be composed, unshaken, unflappable, even serene. An opponent who persists no matter what happens can be a terrifying force. Be the one with the nothing rattles him reputation.

ASPIRING TO CALM

Back to those surface expectations. Maybe what’s behind them isn’t really an expectation. Maybe it’s an aspiration.

I can aspire to a quick commute – and take steps to arrange my life to have one. But if I get frustrated with heavy rush hour traffic, I’ve probably confused that aspiration for an expectation.

I can aspire to run five kilometers under 22 minutes, but if I get frustrated with a near-best time of 24 minutes, I have collapsed that aspiration into an expectation.

To reduce frustration, look at the situation as objectively as possible and untangle whether an aspiration is involved.

For instance, thinking “based on my practice, I have a 70% likelihood of hitting a strike in bowling. I really want to bowl a 300 at some point. 80% of the time, I got strikes this week. Should I be frustrated or encouraged?” gives a different way of looking at the situation.

Or, observing “wow, I’m impatient for my commute to not be like this. I am a little worried about being late for work.” might defuse your frustration.

BACKGROUND EXPECTATIONS

Sometimes it goes deeper than surface expectations. If you become frustrated five minutes into an activity, it’s not about the surface. If you overreact on a regular basis, it’s not about the surface.

There is some other unspoken expectation involved. Generally these have fear at their core. By understanding what might be driving the emotions, we are in a better position to manage them.

Developing a practice of being aware of surface expectations and aspirations allows you to put frustration into context and set aside more quickly. Doing the same with background expectations is a path to superior mental strength.

Let’s go back to the traffic jam. A driver might think she is annoyed at the traffic or the chaotic driving around her, but because she’s enraged within minutes of getting on the road each day, she wonders whether something else is at play. Maybe it’s habit, but maybe there’s something more.

She recognizes a few fears:

I’m afraid of losing my job. Getting stressed during my commute makes me perform worse. And if my commute makes me late, I might get fired.

This might be what’s going on in the background, and she has a bunch of ways of addressing it, including questioning the truth of those fears. Would she really get fired for arriving late? She can act on her fears before the commute by leaving earlier, giving herself more freedom to take her time. And she can act on it in the moment, seeing that the traffic is out of her control, but what is in her control is arriving safely and in as calm a mindset as possible.

Her fears might go another level deeper, to a firm belief that caring for her family is her top priority. Her thought process cascades from this priority to road rage so quickly that she doesn’t notice the irrational leaps our brains can take. Reactions and emotions get exaggerated at each step, leading to our hero shouting in anger at her fellow drivers mere moments after starting her commute.

Background expectations take some work to unearth, and often they are bundled with longstanding habitual thought patterns. It takes work to sort through it, but it’s worth it.

MANAGING EXPECTATIONS

High performers have high expectations for themselves, but if they let frustration and anger get in the way, they mute their potential.

Expectations can derail our most prized pursuits.

The path to an expert mindset includes developing skill at recognizing expectations when they show up and setting them aside before they impede our performance.

And like any important task, practice is essential for mastery and the creation of new, automatic and helpful responses.

In a way, knowing ourselves might be the biggest key to navigating through frustration.

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Making Friends with Chaos

Working with a lot of data analysts lately and seeing athletes redefine what’s possible has gotten me thinking about data, chaos and performance.

The Numbers Underneath

Some pursuits have a luxurious stream of data. Running an online business? The data feedback can be instant. Building a world class race car? The metrics are built into the car’s design for a constant flow of readings.

Some pursuits are numbingly consistent. Accounting data entry doesn’t often offer variation in performance or opportunities for peak performance.

But in most of our life, the data is more spare and varied, and our observations are often flawed.

The human brain tends to emphasize the negative. It can take several positives to equal the impact of one negative. Numbers can help us stay connected to reality.

Putting Numbers to Work

No matter how much data we have, the key is how we use it. In fact, we can separate ourselves from the vast majority of others by just paying attention to what’s working, noticing patterns, approaching improvement with intention.

Doing this gives us access to improvement and performing at the biggest moments. The book and film Moneyball were about this.

Four Patterns of Performance

Visualizing data can help unlock opportunities. If we had a set of a data points – like for instance competition statistics – we could see a more objective view of our performance than our brain will ever give us.

For instance, if we’re not approaching things intentionally, a year-long graph of our good, average and worst performances might look like this:

Messy Rut

Across our purple year, we have some peak moments but we are really inconsistent. It’s just as likely that we will have a lifetime best on any given day as an all-time low, and we are not improving over the course of the year

Let’s call this the messy rut. If we care about performance, we’re probably frustrated with these results.

Then there’s this graph:

In this gray year, we have fewer lows but also fewer highs. We’re consistent, but consistently average, and we’re not improving. If we care about getting better, this year might feel worse than a messy rut. This might be called stagnant mastery.

And yet it’s probably a better launching point. This graph shows mastery of this level. We don’t know what the ceiling of our skill is, but we’ve established a solid floor to our performances. We just don’t have horribly bad days.

And that’s not going to get us to the top. What we need is something different. Maybe it’s this:

Courageous Improvement

In our red year, we’re getting better. Average performances at the beginning of the year become our poor performances just a few months later. And the path is chaotic.

This is what it means to risk being great.

We’ve made our plan for improvement. We’re doing the work. And we’re putting ourselves out there. We’re getting some wins, but we know it’s going to come with some fails too.

The fails are part of the plan. We’re improving our results so that our target finish happens more often, whether that is making the cut, placing in the top 10 or winning. We are putting ourselves in the mix more often.

Let’s call this courageous improvement.

And then there is the blue year:


This graph looks great. No big fails, a steady feeling of things getting better. Near constant positive feedback. Sign me up!

Let’s wake up from that dream. Blue years are mostly fantasy, and fantasy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

While a blue year might feel good, let’s take a closer look. If we’re competing against someone in a red year, we’re losing to them often. They are often putting up transcendent performances. We are top performers, grinding out good results and putting distance between those in ruts or stagnation, but we’re unlikely to win many year-end awards.

It’s not all bad. We are improving. We’re working as intentionally as someone in a red year. We’re logging wins, but probably winning means too much to us. Short-term results are clouding our vision of what our true potential is.

Let’s call this safe improvement.

We’re really talking about learning curves here. Are you even on a learning curve? If so, what kind are you choosing to be on?

You Can’t Win Them All

Not all our results SHOULD be first place. If so, we may be stagnating. This is how champions get dethroned. They scrap and battle to get to the top, then stop fighting as hard.

Even though variation in performance can be tough to stomach, that chaos can be a helpful sign that you’re taking risks toward breakthroughs.

Acclimatize

When climbers take on the highest mountains in the world, they don’t get to just arrive and make a push to the top. The air is too thin. Their bodies haven’t yet adjusted to extreme altitudes. They have to make small journeys to intermediate altitudes to build the ability to summit in deadly thin air.

It’s like that with extreme performance too. As we expand our capacity upward, we may have spikes of achievement, but we’re not quite ready to do it often. We have to acclimatize to that level of performance so it becomes more normal and sustainable.

This is where the blue graph becomes more real. Instead of being a year of constant improvement without disappointment, the blue graph often is a short period of consolidation when inconsistent new skills become fully part of our arsenal.

Higher Than The Summit

Here’s the trap – and the opportunity for greatness. If we stay in a mode of acclimatizing too long, we risk hitting a performance plateau. The blue graph fades into the gray graph or worse, the purple graph.

When we focus on getting used to doing incredible things, we might forget to imagine and reach for the next level of incredible things are. We might miss the higher summits we can aspire to.

We need chaos for the higher summits.

An ideal path navigates this tension between breakthroughs and normalizing what was previously impossible. Stay in breakthrough mode too long and you don’t gain the mastery needed to reach much higher. Stay in consistency mode too long and things get stale or worse, move backward.

The Off Season

The off season is used as a playground to explore this tension. Commit to red territory when there is more time for exploration and risk, then gain enough command of new skills to return to gray (stagnant mastery) or even better blue (safe improvement) by the beginning of the next season.

A Life Cycle of Chaos

In real life these graphs are not as clean. They transition from one to another. When we’re starting out, we have that beautiful and crazy upward trend of courageous improvement. Our passion for learning takes us quickly higher and higher, but our performance is hit or miss.

For most people, the graph turns into a messy rut when they plateau without intentional strategies for improvement.

This S-curve pattern is well-documented, especially in business.

To reach our potential, we want something more than a single S-curve. We want to go higher and higher. We do that by linking S-curves together.

As soon as we sense we are leveling off, we call on our old friend chaos again, trigger the next curve and give ourselves the chance at greatness.

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Deepak Chopra and the Meaning of Life

Your consciousness constructs the expansion of facts

I’m a dreamer and a skeptic. As a teenager, I remember being fascinated by the Amway promotional materials given to my parents, dreaming (like so many MLM victims) of the good life, then sitting at my desk and doing the math. When I walked to the living room and shared my findings during the pitch to my parents, the Amway visitors were not pleased at all.

My skepticism continues around gurus, the fortunate few who have built lucrative businesses around their products and ideas. Deepak Chopra is a big one, and my impression was always that his teachings were hollow.

Imagine my thrill when I stumbled on Wisdom of Chopra, a website that generates Chopra-esque quotes. They sound like science, sounds like sage wisdom, but do the words actually mean anything?

The Role of Skepticism

Inspirational words are intended to help us dream, but wistful dreaming can lead to trouble.

Skeptics have a bad reputation. They are the Debbie Downers in our lives. The stubborn naysayers. That’s not all skepticism is.

Skepticism helps us sift the good from the bad. It helps us test hypotheses, to really unearth what works. And in the case of gurus, it helps us avoid expensive folly.

Let’s sift through some of the gems and folly from the quote generator:

Innocence is the womb of dimensionless success
It certainly is a womb of success for those who prey on innocence. And yet, while we have our guard up for the charlatans of the world, it becomes ever more important to retain innocence and wonder and creativity and love.

Your heart experiences positive experiences
I certainly hope so. Both my anatomical heart and my metaphorical heart thirst for the positive.

Making tea expresses visible creativity
Tea anyone? I can imagine a guru rolling out a bespoke line of teas using quotes like this. If you’re not drinking enough of it, you won’t ever reach your creative potential.

Information is the path to the progressive expansion of truth
Um, as long as that information is not corrupted. There are too many sheep following dangerous leaders. Folks whose brains have been infected with false facts often peddled by the right wing. We need more skepticism around sources of information.

The secret of the universe exists as exponential positivity
All I imagine when I read this is alarm bells ringing louder and louder as a nuclear power plant melts down. Or someone stubbornly insisting on “looking on the bright side” in the midst of his life falling into tragedy. It’s not just positivity, it’s exponential!

I’m more into insightful positivity than exponential, thank you very much. I’ll take empathetic mourning in the service of healing over the nuclear meltdown positivity, please.

Unleash the Dreamer

What do fake Chopra quotes have to do with peak performance and taking on ambitious goals?

Everything.

For all but the most privileged, life is about overcoming setbacks. Our mental game is what keeps us moving forward. We become powerful by being able to transform the weird into something useful or even inspirational.

We’ve all seen the inspirational photos and quotes that champion athletes put on their walls leading up to big competitions. In the end, though, the inspiration is not in the words but with us. We give the words power, and the power changes with each reader of the words.

One of the reasons we partner with coaches is that they help us find the words and keep us connected to what inspires us. They remind us that we are greater than we believe. They hold us accountable to our words. They strengthen our skill at getting through discomfort in order to generate velocity toward what matters.

Therefore…Your desire is reborn in visible potentiality

Skeptics have a bad reputation because we perceive them as being only skeptical. We imagine them having no capacity to dream. As we navigate a tough and often brutal world, it’s important to stay connected to inspiration.

Words mean things. And we can create meaning out of anything we encounter, including words. So while these fake quotes might be funny or scary or even insipid on their surface, they also offer an opportunity to interpret them for our own purposes. My cynical takes on the fake quotes could have been inspirational instead.

Maybe “making tea unfolds through nonlocal actions” has nothing to do with tea for you. Maybe it shakes you out of dwelling on neighborhood gossip and reconnects you to a larger purpose.

Maybe “greatness illuminates the flow of happiness” is not about traditional ideas of happiness or greatness but simply finding a way to happily go grocery shopping and get the laundry done

What if “nature is inside the light of fulfillment” has no other meaning than reminding you that there’s a park nearby and it might be nice to take a silent walk on a cold winter night, or feel leaves ruffling past your feet as you walk, or hear birds chirping as spring unfolds?

We get to use words as we please. We get to be fueled by a word or phrase even if no one else understands it.

We get to remake each moment, transform the tough ones to our purposes. We’re not always as skilled as we’d like, and sometimes it feels like an impossible goal. But, the possibility is there, even if it is to chuckle at some fake Chopra quotes during a rough day at the office.

Don’t take it from me. Be discerning and intelligent. Be blindly loyal to no one. With healthy skepticism AND an openness to imagination and dreaming. And, just as I share a bit of myself here in the hopes that you will be skeptically inspired, please share a bit of yourself with those around you.

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Why We Should Always Be Learning

I believe in learning.

Not as measured in diplomas, but learning as measured in intellectual adventure, physical training or creative practice.

Avoiding by Learning

I don’t care why you’re learning, as long as you are. Almost.

Sometimes, after completing a learning adventure, we sign right up for a new one. I see this often with coaching colleagues and students. No time has passed to integrate the learning in the brain, apply it to one’s life or find one’s own twist on it.

Learning becomes a way to avoid the bigger goal. Don’t do that!

There will always be something more to learn. Not knowing doesn’t make you less, but not maximizing your learning does.

Learning from the Negative

Some of my learning comes from fear. Alzheimer’s killed my mother, and it was heartbreaking to watch her fade as the disease took hold. As a family member, I know I it’s more likely that Alzheimer’s might hit my brain too. So I learn, to keep my brain active, to create new neural pathways. I learn new languages – Italian, Swedish, Portuguese – taking my brain through at least one lesson every day.

When we have missteps, we learn about pitfalls that were off our radar, or we learn more effective strategies. When others treat us poorly, we can learn how to be assertive.

While the trigger is a negative, the key is the choice to learn rather than repeating the same experience.

Because I’m Curious, That’s Why

I am impressed by history buffs. I am not one, but when I see the gusto with which they delve into people, places and things from the past, it blows my mind. The curiosity is so intense.

Sometimes we learn because it’s just something we care about, something we heard about, and we want to know everything about it. It’s perfect, and no one else needs to have any clue why the topic interests you. It’s your thing. Go down that rabbit hole and learn about it.

Necessary Learning

Sometimes you don’t get to choose what to learn. Lessons to learn in school or new skills to master quickly for work. It’s not sexy like the other kinds. Purely pragmatic. And it’s still learning.

Here’s the thing: you do get to choose how you experience the learning. So you can see it as shackles dragging you in the wrong direction, or you can reframe it in a way that works for you.

When I was promoted to my first substantial marketing role, I had no formal marketing training. Every day there was a new piece of my job to learn. I could have defined this as losing pace while running as fast as I could, but there was a different choice. Engage with the learning. Appreciate the wealth of allies and teachers around me. Learn not only the basics but how I can add my touch to create impact.

The funny thing is, often this new learning pays off. A future class becomes easier. Or we become more marketable for our next job. Or we’re able to help a friend out. What I learned during that marketing job was invaluable, and I use those skills and concepts often.

Accidental Learning

Sometimes I learn from serendipity. I went to an event called Creative Mornings a few years ago, and the speaker was a leader from a film making school for young women. I learned at least two things that morning. I had not known how suffocating the pressure to succeed was for young women, how the fear of failure holds many back from even trying what they are clearly capable of. And I had learned that I had something of a passion for failure. Specifically, a respect for failure’s purpose and a passionate dislike of failure as a fetish or tech bro badge of honor. Only a few months later, I had articulated my take on these concepts in a keynote speech at a big conference. I never planned that learning, but I embraced it when it found me.

Learning To Optimize

Almost all of us learn something every day, whether we acknowledge it or not. We might learn that apples have gone on sale at the grocery store. Or that rain is predicted for tonight. Or that there is, somehow, yet another way fellow drivers can make bad decisions. We’re learning, and most of it is unconscious.

The key is to be intentional. It gets us where we want to go faster.

Notice what happens. Evaluate where we are and what’s needed next. Then choose to learn.

I didn’t understand what that person said? My conversational Spanish mustn’t be good enough yet. How can I take steps to get better?

Wow, we prepared so hard for that competition and didn’t get the result we wanted. What were the key factors, and how can we reset and grow for next time?

It’s not always easy. It often doesn’t take a straight line path. Teachers are rarely waiting in the next room to answer all our questions. We actually have to do some work. Exceptional results require an exceptional, resourceful effort.

The Next Chapter

What has this year taught you? And what do you want to learn from it?

What learning experience could change your life?

How can you support someone else in learning something extraordinary?

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Believing The Praise. And Using It.

One of my dreams as a freestyle player was being named Player of the Year (POTY). Winning big titles was important too, but there was something special about the idea of being POTY. The one person people remembered as making the most impact in a given year.

Usually these awards are subjective, so you never know whether you’re making the right impact. In freestyle, there were years when I thought I had done enough, when I was named to the shortlist but not given that coveted POTY honor.

I remember being disappointed, wondering what more I needed to do for it to be enough. Why others were being seen in ways I wasn’t. Yup,like most people I have an ego that likes attention. Among those of us who aspire to high performance, the ego’s voice is often way too loud.

In the end, I was named POTY. I might have even won it more than once. I don’t remember. As lovely as that POTY pat on the back was, the feeling was fleeting. It wasn’t the primary goal (world titles!!!) or a process goal (improvement, speed, strength, endurance, leadership). It was an outgrowth of the other goals.

The Surprise

Fast forward to December of last year. I’m reading the wrap-up of the year in DDC (my new primary sport), and I read “Arthur Coddington is our player of the year.”

Huh?

Exciting news! But, huh?

I didn’t even expect to be in consideration. I had a breakout year, placing 3rd or better in every event I played, but I never won. In freestyle, it was traditional that you must win a major title to be on the shortlist. Here I was with no title, yet I was now POTY.

Excitement. Happiness. Confusion.

I learned late in life to accept compliments gracefully, even when I did not think they were deserved. So, I took a moment to let myself be excited and thankful.

After letting it sink in, I noticed some things.

Controlling the Controllable

We are not in control of how people see us. We can only control the controllable. Be ourselves, live honorable values and pursue our goals to the best of our abilities.

Our Perception Are Probably Wrong

The standard we set for our success might be wildly different than the standards others set for us. People have shared their worries about job performance only to learn that everyone’s talking about the tremendous value they bring. Sadly, sometimes the opposite is true, and people who think they are doing great suddenly learn they were falling short. Communication is the only way we’re going to find out for sure.

We Create Our Own Meaning

We can hear compliments and forget them. Dismiss them. Diminish them. Keep our expectations muted.

I could define this honor as unearned or allow myself to invent cynical reasons why I won. Or, I can use it to move myself forward.

We can hear compliments and harness them, even if we might not fully believe them right now.

That’s the path I chose. I’m proud of my performance last year, and it feels great to be seen. It feels like an embrace from the community. I am choosing to live in the spirit of POTY: pushing my limits, teaching others, and enjoying as many moments along the way as I can. This part is in my control.

Others See Our Horizon Better Than Us

I took the POTY award as both an honor and a responsibility. If someone’s going to go to all the trouble of naming me POTY, I should try to live up to that standard. I kept working at my skills through the winter. A few months after the award was announced, I played the first major tournament of the year. Arguably the deepest and most difficult event to win.

It’s a one-day, marathon event. Four rounds played over almost 8 hours, with virtually no breaks. My team progressed through the first round undefeated, which qualified us to play every other team in the top 10. We won all those games to qualify for the semifinals – and choose our opponent as the team with the top record. We chose well and won our semifinal in two straight games. That set up a finals match with the #1 ranked team (we were #2).

In the past, I might have succumbed to doubts playing a major championship final against two legends of the sport. But with our record that day and the honor of being called POTY, I had evidence that I belonged on that court. No need for doubts. Just play. And we did. We won the first game handily, then overcame a large deficit and tight finish to close out the match in two straight games, going undefeated through the day and winning my first major title in this sport.

Taking Action Around Praise

What do others think about you, and how can you find out?

How are you responding to feedback or compliments? Fighting it? Forgetting it? Or hearing it deeply and using it to propel you forward?

How can you propel someone else forward with praise?