ego – ARTHUR CODDINGTON

One of my dreams as a freestyle player was being named Player of the Year (POTY). Winning big titles was important too, but there was something special about the idea of being POTY. The one person people remembered as making the most impact in a given year.

Usually these awards are subjective, so you never know whether you’re making the right impact. In freestyle, there were years when I thought I had done enough, when I was named to the shortlist but not given that coveted POTY honor.

I remember being disappointed, wondering what more I needed to do for it to be enough. Why others were being seen in ways I wasn’t. Yup,like most people I have an ego that likes attention. Among those of us who aspire to high performance, the ego’s voice is often way too loud.

In the end, I was named POTY. I might have even won it more than once. I don’t remember. As lovely as that POTY pat on the back was, the feeling was fleeting. It wasn’t the primary goal (world titles!!!) or a process goal (improvement, speed, strength, endurance, leadership). It was an outgrowth of the other goals.

The Surprise

Fast forward to December of last year. I’m reading the wrap-up of the year in DDC (my new primary sport), and I read “Arthur Coddington is our player of the year.”

Huh?

Exciting news! But, huh?

I didn’t even expect to be in consideration. I had a breakout year, placing 3rd or better in every event I played, but I never won. In freestyle, it was traditional that you must win a major title to be on the shortlist. Here I was with no title, yet I was now POTY.

Excitement. Happiness. Confusion.

I learned late in life to accept compliments gracefully, even when I did not think they were deserved. So, I took a moment to let myself be excited and thankful.

After letting it sink in, I noticed some things.

Controlling the Controllable

We are not in control of how people see us. We can only control the controllable. Be ourselves, live honorable values and pursue our goals to the best of our abilities.

Our Perception Are Probably Wrong

The standard we set for our success might be wildly different than the standards others set for us. People have shared their worries about job performance only to learn that everyone’s talking about the tremendous value they bring. Sadly, sometimes the opposite is true, and people who think they are doing great suddenly learn they were falling short. Communication is the only way we’re going to find out for sure.

We Create Our Own Meaning

We can hear compliments and forget them. Dismiss them. Diminish them. Keep our expectations muted.

I could define this honor as unearned or allow myself to invent cynical reasons why I won. Or, I can use it to move myself forward.

We can hear compliments and harness them, even if we might not fully believe them right now.

That’s the path I chose. I’m proud of my performance last year, and it feels great to be seen. It feels like an embrace from the community. I am choosing to live in the spirit of POTY: pushing my limits, teaching others, and enjoying as many moments along the way as I can. This part is in my control.

Others See Our Horizon Better Than Us

I took the POTY award as both an honor and a responsibility. If someone’s going to go to all the trouble of naming me POTY, I should try to live up to that standard. I kept working at my skills through the winter. A few months after the award was announced, I played the first major tournament of the year. Arguably the deepest and most difficult event to win.

It’s a one-day, marathon event. Four rounds played over almost 8 hours, with virtually no breaks. My team progressed through the first round undefeated, which qualified us to play every other team in the top 10. We won all those games to qualify for the semifinals – and choose our opponent as the team with the top record. We chose well and won our semifinal in two straight games. That set up a finals match with the #1 ranked team (we were #2).

In the past, I might have succumbed to doubts playing a major championship final against two legends of the sport. But with our record that day and the honor of being called POTY, I had evidence that I belonged on that court. No need for doubts. Just play. And we did. We won the first game handily, then overcame a large deficit and tight finish to close out the match in two straight games, going undefeated through the day and winning my first major title in this sport.

Taking Action Around Praise

What do others think about you, and how can you find out?

How are you responding to feedback or compliments? Fighting it? Forgetting it? Or hearing it deeply and using it to propel you forward?

How can you propel someone else forward with praise?

I’ve been thinking about trust recently after hearing two heartbreaking leadership stories:

If I Trust You, You’ll Cheat Me

In the first, the head of an organization’s branch sent out a message through his managers: no remote work during the holidays, even though the facility itself was essentially closed. As this message was shared, you could feel the deflation in morale across the entire branch.

Staff correctly interpreted this rule as a vote of no confidence. You’re all cheaters and I don’t trust you to get anything done. You’re just going to take vacation days and not document them. I don’t trust you unless I can see you are working. Making the situation worse, the message was phrased in a way that implied it was a worldwide rule. When word got out that other facilities were shutting down for the holidays or giving days off, it destroyed staff morale and exposed this manager’s lack of trust.

If I Trust You, I’ll Fail

In the second, a leader under pressure from her bosses turned her frustration on her team. The team had delivered a successful program a month before, except in the leader’s mind the success was due to her taking over the program halfway through planning. In her narrative, the team had let her down, and she had saved the day. She hadn’t trusted her team to deliver, so she did “all” the work herself.

She shared her perspective in surprise conversations with each team member. One described it as an ambush. Another reminded the boss that she had never even celebrated the completion of the program by thanking the team for its hard work. The boss’ response: there was nothing to thank the team for.

By getting stuck thinking of herself as the savior, she shrunk as a leader. She lost sight of the needs of her team, their talents, and their substantial work that she had simply repackaged into the final program. In situations like this, a cratering of morale isn’t the only result. They can be triggers for the disintegration of the team itself.

When trust disappears, it can cost organizations their very lives.

Being A Leader When Trust Falters

There are schools of thought that it is the employee’s job to earn trust from the manager. It’s just the opposite. It’s the manager’s job to cultivate trust.

Noticing you’re not trusting your team? As a leader, it’s your job to fix it.

Leadership means taking responsibility for the situation. And here’s a key point many leaders forget: responsibility doesn’t mean doing everyone’s work for them. If you’re doing that, you’ve surrendered responsibility. By doing it all, you’ve relieved your team of expectations and weighed yourself down with work that isn’t yours.

The boss in our second story shared that she felt like if she didn’t do all the work, she could never ensure that there would be a positive result. I empathize with the pressure she felt, and I thirst for her to see the greater possibilities of letting go of control: the wonders of using the full talents of the team, and the incredible upside of chaotically unexpected insights.

Your work is building teams and team behavior that create results. And trust.

This is the point where some team leaders are thinking “I can’t imagine ever trusting my team.” What if you did anyway? What if there is no way to actually be a compelling leader than to trust your team when you’re not sure you can?

Like our leader above. What if she set aside her perspective of “I can’t trust” and trusted her team to kick ass on the next project? What if she practiced expert management to maximize their talents? It might feel terrifying at first. There aren’t even any guarantees that the project would work out. What I know is that the team would be stronger at the end and more ready with each succeeding challenge.

Trust is always there to give, even if you don’t feel it.

That sounds hard. Yup. Sounds that way, and with practice it can feel easier. Amateur leadership is easy and ineffective. World class leadership cares enough that stepping up to “impossible” challenges is the only option.

So how do we fix things when we’ve lost trust?

Fixing Distrust

The solution comes down to courage and communication. It’s courageous leadership to hold back and not blame your team members for the situation. It’s courageous leadership to look deeply at the situation, be honest about your role and imagine what positive contribution you can make. And it’s courageous leadership to make that contribution.

More often than not, it’s going to be about communication designed to elevate the skills and leadership capacity of each member of the team. Diplomatic communication. Nonviolent communication. Some of your team members may not yet have the communication skills needed to thrive with you, and your challenge is to communicate anyway and support their growth. Becoming a better leader means summoning more courage and expanding your own willingness to communicate effectively, in service of trust.

And yes, sometimes it’s not going to work out. Sometimes people are not ready to contribute at the level needed by the team. Sometimes people are not ready to be trustworthy. And your team needs you to replace them, but only after you have shown tremendous leadership in owning the situation.

Trust Is Everyone’s Job

One more thing. This is for all of us on teams who are relieved by this article, that it’s the boss’ responsibility to fix things. Let’s go back to this statement from earlier: there are schools of thought that it is the employee’s job to earn trust from the manager. It’s just the opposite. It’s the manager’s job to cultivate trust.

I take that back. Leadership is the responsibility of every team member. So if you’re noticing something is off, look courageously at the issue and communicate to create the working experience you envision for the team.

Tag: ego

Believing The Praise. And Using It.